The sub

 I have been substitute teaching at my children's’ school.  I had never substituted before.  I chose this school because I always pick them up after school and I knew I wouldn’t have to make any special arrangements to continue doing that if I was here and they were here.  Ideally I would have chosen a high school, and I still might next year.

Somethings I learned about substitute teaching:

1. Never agree to teach an elementary class when the teacher just couldn’t be bothered to show up.  WTF?

2. Never teach an elementary class

3. Especially 5th grade

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My first day of substitute teaching I was filling in for a very well organized 7th grade science teacher.  Everything was laid out and detailed instructions for a variety of circumstances were included in a three ring binder.  The students were a little sassy, as expected, but nothing really unusual happened.

My second day of substitute teaching was utter chaos.  I had signed up to be a teacher’s aid for elementary.  When I walked in they said, “Do you want to take a 2nd grade class instead?”  I was all like, “Ummm- well, No.”

“No?- Okay, how about 7th grade band? You don’t have to teach music, and you will have an aide with you. It will be so easy- it will be a great day!”

Me: “Okay.”

The aide: “Follow me, I’ll show you the room we will be in.  We’ll have two classes in here, band and theater. There are 30 chairs in here for students. We may have as many as 50 students in here- but don’t worry.  I’ll be with you the whole time.

Two hours, a bunch of school gossip and a handful of conspiracy theories later he’s all, “I gotta go. There’s a sub who never showed up- they are calling another one, but I need to fill in until they come.  I’ll be right next door.”  

50 kids walk into my room, 6th, 7th, 8th graders.  They are all over the place, there are only about 30 chairs so they fill up 3/4 of the chairs, mill around the room, sprawl out on the floor, lean against the walls.  

I ask the students, “What do you usually do in this class.”  They say, “Nothing, our teacher has been out for a while.  He has Covid.  He died on the floor, but the nurse came in and moved his head around and brought him back.  Then the ambulance came and took him.”  I say, “Is he okay?”  They admit they don’t know.  (Nor do they seem to care.)

I tell the 50 students to sit down somewhere, anywhere, just  don’t get up.  I’m not even going to try to keep them quiet or on task with work I know they have from other classes- I just want them to stop moving around.

The 50 leave without incident. I feel accomplished in the fact that nobody died on my watch.  

The next class is small- there are only about 8 of them.  One of them is tiny sixth grader who moves around the classroom like a pinball.  He zips around the room moving in unexpected directions and at varying speeds.  I watch him spin and ping until he attempts to jump on a stool, miscalculates and topples the stool. He lands awkwardly on the legs.  I tell him to sit down, but not on the stool.  Soon he is wandering again.  He makes his way to a keyboard- I watch him as he tries to turn it on, but it doesn’t work.  He searches for the outlet,  plugs it in, turns it on and begins to play chopsticks. This is much like watching a very bad animal kingdom documentary.  I have no idea how long it is until this class is over, but I feel as though it has already been too long.

Other classes some and go- teachers and aids wander in and out sharing tidbits of unsolicited gossip and life stories. I smile and nod and make an effort to pretend I care.

The day ends- mercifully.