still learning

I'm sure everyone in my position has thought, "Why did my baby die?"  I then think am I asking why my baby- as opposed to someone else's baby?  I certainly wouldn't wish this on another person.  Am I asking why my baby- as opposed to my toddler, preschooler, or school age child? Would it have been better if he had come home with me and died later of SIDS?  Losing a child at any point is losing part of your heart-- a part of yourself.

Someone asked how I was, and I explained I literally couldn't think of anything worse.  Not that aren't worse things, but at this time I cannot make myself conjure an image of a worse thing.  This thing feels so terrible, even imagining something worse could break me.

What you can do is say; “Yes, this sucks. But what’s the lesson? What can I take away from this to make me a better person? How can I take strength from this and use it to bring me closer to happiness in my next moment?”

The Science of Happiness: Why complaining is literally killing you.
By Steven Parton, From CuriousApes.com
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Statistics didn't help this time. 1% of American babies are still born. 1.6% of cesarian section wounds come open after surgery. The doctor informed me I had a certain infection which could have (very small chance) affected Michael (although the infection was not found in his placenta) and the chances of me getting this infection are so small there aren't even statistics concerning the possibilities.
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I asked the doctor yesterday what he had put on my FMLA paperwork about going back to work. He said I was cleared to do whatever I wanted as of that day. However, he had signed the paperwork that I was also free to choose to NOT go back to work for 6 weeks after the c-section.

I asked the nurse about it as well and she said, "Yeah sure, do what you want to do- but if you are at the gym doing a really hard workout or something, and it starts to hurt real bad- you should probably stop."

It's kind of like they haven't noticed the gaping, seeping wound in my abdomen.

First of all I don't go to the gym and "work out real hard" EVER- and I'm certainly not going to do it now that I can only walk at a turtle pace- and I only bend at the hips in straight up emergencies.

As for going back to work- sounds a little iffy when I have a doctor's or nurse's appointment 4 of the 5 work days a week.
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I had a new home healthcare nurse yesterday and she decided to "explore the wound." She stuck a cotton swab in the wound and it felt like lava was running all the way across the wound and out the other side! So ... I yelled- some. And she said, "You have a lot of undermining. Did they tell you you had undermining?" Then she mumbled about "undermining" for a while. While I prayed "Please God, whatever she just did, don't let her do it again!"

Then she took my blood pressure and said, "Your blood pressure is good, even after all that yelling. I wish all my patients had blood pressure this good, before I make them yell like that."

Well, that's one good thing- I've always had good blood pressure.