And of all the things I've bought and made in the last 9 months for my baby boy- this knitted feather is the thing that I've latched on to for comfort. It is something to hold on to when I'm thinking about him.
Today wasn't terrible- I had feared it would be worse- but the anticipation of what I thought it would be turned out to be the hardest part. I had wanted to go to the funeral home and pay and get the cremation process started, but the home health nurse came for the first time today, so we didn't have enough time. The nurse changed the dressing and good news, it didn't hurt too much when she redressed it.
Last night the power steering when out on the car- yes of course it did.
Daniel's boss came by today to visit and drop off some cards co-workers had signed. They had taken a collection for us and it turned out to be exactly the amount we owe the funeral home.
God Provides.
We don't plan to have an open service or memorial for Michael. It would certainly be upsetting to me, and most likely upsetting to the girls. I know that many people would like to come support us; I appreciate that. It simply isn't the type of support I want/need or even know how to deal with. I want to know people are still praying for us- I want to know you put us on a long term prayer list.
I'm a private person- this is a matter of the heart- which cannot be hidden. We don't want to hide it. We rejoiced and everyone rejoiced when we announced a coming boy. We cannot pretend that he wasn't and that he won't always be a part of us- I can't pretend I'm not sad and I can't keep my eyes dry to make anyone comfortable. I physically, emotionally, spiritually can't do anything except what I've been doing.
Everyday Eowyn repeats back to me something we've told her in the past weeks. Tonight she said, "It's okay to cry and be sad." I said, "That's right, and it's okay to play and have fun too."
We just keep reminding ourselves- it's okay- it's going to be okay.
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