So pk called the other day to inquire about spending some quality time at the Indian restaurant in my neck of the woods- this is the most authentic Indian restaurant I’ve ever seen not in India. It’s more India than some restaurants I did see in India.

When I take someone there, we are inevitably the only whities in the place. It’s even set up in the Indian style, where you have to go to different counters to order different kinds of food- you order it from one (or several) person/people then they call your table number –It is important to sit at a table which they know is not clear over the loud speaker. When they say 13 or 30 they know it’s not clear, so they will say, “13- one-three” or “30- three-zero.” If, however, you sit at table 11 for example- well they know that doesn’t sound like anything so when they say, “Table eh-hen!” They expect you to know that – ‘yes you whitie- I plainly said,’ “Table ehhen!” Then you will look at the woman calling tables and look at your table number “eleven” and realize she’s been calling you for the past minute and a half.

It is called the “Chaat House” which is basically Snack/Street/Fast food in India. Yes, as a matter of fact you can get an entire four course meal at a stand/up-street side restaurant in India. This place, however, has tables and chairs- snacks and meals. I saw it when I first moved to Irving, and just couldn’t bring myself to enter- but after about 6 months of no Indian food, I decided to try it out- It is South India in a strip mall. I deeply appreciate it now. In the same strip mall is an Indian supermarket. If you feel a need for a few liters of coconut oil, or maybe some bitter fruit, or masala tea- this is the place to go. Pk bought a candy bar- I felt obliged to also buy something. I looked at the pharmacy section- found some “creamy snuff” next to the “Monkey Brand Black Tooth Powder” Umm- no to both. I don’t even know what black tooth powder means- Is it for black teeth?

Does it make teeth black? Or is it the actual monkey they are describing? Is it for black monkeys or should it actually read, “Black Monkey Brand Tooth Powder.” I don’t get it. And as for the “Creamy Snuff-” Why is that in the pharmacy section? It’s slogan was “A Wonder Treasure of Tobacco Pleasure.” It said, “Means Feeling Fresh” on the box. Do you brush your teeth with it? Sounds like that would make your teeth black. I found a “Yorkie” candy bar- “Not for Girls!” Well- that can really cut down on sales one would think . . .


I found some “Fat Fat Digestive Pills.” Uh- I don’t even what to think about it.

I finally decided to go with the “Hello Bee Bee” candy. It was yellow, it had a bee on it which looked suspiciously like the “Honey Nut Cheerios” bee. Maybe it’s his Indian cousin. I was thinking, “Ooh, look, they are even shaped like little bee hives! Cute! They must have honey in them! I bet they taste delicious!”
Obviously, with this insanely optimistic train of thought, I have been away from India for too long- I was putting things together in such a way that they would make sense. My mistake.

When I got home I ate one of my “Hello Bee Bee” “honey” candies. First unexpected thing was that although it was “gummy” it wasn’t gummy like Gummy Bears. It wasn’t even gummy like Swedish Fish. It was more along the lines of gummy like Jello which has been left in the fridge, uncovered for about a year and a half. It was resistant to my chewing- it made me feel uncomfortable.

Second, I noticed that I wasn’t tasking honey at all. I was tasting . . . something else . . . something I recognized . . . something that did not belong in my mouth in candy form . . . it was SWEET CORN!
Dang it! That wasn’t a long skinny bee hive!! It was candy corn! REAL candy corn!

India- you’ve done it to me again. Blast you!