I went to a ballet a few weeks ago. I intended to write about it directly afterwards, but well, I’m a slacker.

The Metropolitan Classical Ballet (of Arlington) presented two world premieres for the season finale. “Jeux” and “Joaquin Murieta.” “Jeux” or “Games” en francais was what I expected from the ballet- slightly abstract, interpretive and let’s face it- a pointless story.

“Jeux” from what I understand: There was a blonde tennis player flitting around on her toes hitting imaginary balls when a man in tiny white shorts came out to “play” with her. They ran around for a while, he chased her. Of course he caught her because he had the unfair advantage of actually using his whole foot while she had to tip-toe away.

Once he caught her, a brunette tennis player came out. He was distracted. She ran around looking cute on her toes. He chased her. She tip-toed away. Then he chased the blonde- she let him catch her- the brunette looked jealous- the blonde looked as smug as one can look while standing on her tippy-toes. The brunette enticed him with her obscenely long legs. He dropped the blonde and ran for the brunette . . . it went on like this for a while. In the end- I’m not sure what happened. I think I blocked it out.

If I had written it, however, the women would have both picked up their tennis rackets and beaten him severely with them and then tip-toed off stage prettily leaving him and his balls to play games by themselves.

“Joaquin Murieta,” on the other hand, what like no ballet I have ever imagined. It was one of the most bizzar spectacles I’ve ever paid to see.

The story was easy enough to follow. There was a young man (Joaquin) who lived in Chili. He wanted to make some money (to get married, or to provide for his new wife? I’m not sure, but it surely was something about the woman.) So when he heard about the California gold rush, he went for it. When he got there, things went oh-so-wrong. The California cowboys didn’t like how successful Joaquin was, so they took his lady and gang-banged her. She couldn’t stand the idea that there was a rape baby inside her, so she killed herself.

Joaquin, of course had to confront the evil cowboys. Let me point out at this time that the cowboys where in full dress, hats, jeans, flannel, vests, chaps etc. Joaquin, however was wearing a flouncy shirt and tights. It’s dang hard to look tough in a flouncy shirt and tights, especially when your enemies are wearing jeans and flannel.

In the end Joaquin dies. Quite dramatically- death comes and seduces him in a totally creepy and disturbing way. That is by far NOT the most disturbing thing about this ballet. Here are some other disturbing details, and a short description of quite possibly the MOST disturbing scene in ballet history.

1. As I said, it was a ballet, but for some reason the music was all 70s Rock Opera style. I kept expecting the “Jesus Christ Superstar” disciples to pirouette on stage snapping their fingers and singing “What’s the buzz, tell me what’s happenin’? What’s the buzz, tell me what’s happenin’?” and “When do we ride into Jerusalem? When do we ride into Jerusalem?”

2. The ballet was set in Chili and moves to California. I would have made sense to me if it had been in Spanish- cause it was set in Chili- or English cause it was also set in California (besides the fact it was world premiering in Texas.) But instead, as it would make sense to ballet fans (perhaps) it as all in Russian. It wasn’t just that the words were Russian, but the Chilean folk dances looked strangely Russian to me . . . and the music . . . like a Russian disco- or so I would imagine a Russian disco. I understood what was being said because there were “superscripts” above the stage. But I get the feeling all the superscripts were translated and typed up by a Russian- one who couldn’t spell in English.

3. There was one entire scene about a shooting star. She had an iridescent-glow-in-the-dark costume. It would have been okay if she had danced as he shooting star, but instead she was carried around by a troupe of male dancers (what do you call a male ballet dancer? a ballet-er?) all dressed in black, even over their faces so that they would blend into the back drop. It was all fine except for their very white hands showing up so cleverly under the black light. The hands were distracting me and the hand offs where much more awkward than it would have been if they had just let her dance for herself.

4. Finally, the gang banging scene- voted by me MOST disturbing of all things ballet. I knew it was coming when those bad cowboys busted in on her. It could have easily been implied and not dramatized at all- but they went ahead with it instead. There were five cowboys. They chased her, and caught her, because once again, they could run on their feet, while she had to escape on her toes. The picked her up, one on each arm and leg, one cowboy laid down and the other four thrust her up and down on him like she was no more than a bed sheet. She was just flying around like she didn’t have any bones at all. One would finish and take the other one’s place at the arm or leg so the next cowboy could get his turn underneath. It was not nice. In this case ballet is not always pretty.

Afterward we went to talk to one of the dancers. She did not hide her opinion that the owners of the company had chosen the worst ballet they could find to end the season hoping that the turn out would be so bad that the investors would get their money back. She didn’t care, she had found a new job with a different company.