I was at the grocery store the other day desperately seeking salsa- well truthfully I had given up on salsa deciding to make my own- and was at that point desperately seeking tortilla chips- but that doesn’t just roll off the tongue does it?

I hadn’t been to that store before so I was going over it very carefully- taking stock of what was available. In the soaps and shampoo isle I noticed a little bottle of hair oil used to get rid of lice. As soon as I saw it my head started violently itching and I was thoroughly convinced I had all manner of lice bugs living productive little lives on my scalp and hair.

I threw it in the basket. I went on to find tortilla chips and maple syrup. (Score!)

When I got home I tried not to think about the community living on my head. ‘This is one of the things I do.’ I told myself. I start thinking about lice and become convinced I have it. My head starts itching and every little bit of dandruff is suspect. I then told myself to calm down because first I needed to have this stuff handy when I really did get lice and second, it’s hair oil I’d have to leave in for hours. I didn’t really relish the thought of walking around with totally oily hair. That’s kinda icky.

I threw the anti-lice oil in a drawer and started eating bad tortilla chips.

As the days pasted, my head got itchier- I saw more little white specks- and every once in a while I would go outside and see women sitting together like monkeys picking through each other’s hair . . . Yesterday I noticed a tick the size of Montana between Buzz’s toes. I burned it off, but it sent me over the edge, I couldn’t take it any more! I just knew there were lice bugs getting fat off my blood!

(Just writing about this is making my head itchy.)

Today I greased my head up with the anti-lice hair oil. I noticed the puja kits Hindus use to get themselves ready for worship came with lice combs. I bought one. I came to work today with slicked back super oily hair. J

Several people commented that I looked tanner today. I think it was the greasy hair that made them associate me with someone with darker skin. I now understand why so many Indians use hair oil. Non-animal oils irritate lice. It really gets on their tiny little nerves and they will start fighting and breaking up with you if you keep using it.

I know this is true because my first best friend, Mikey’s, grandmother told me and my mom so when I was four. I got lice for real when I was four; and my mom went to tell Mikey’s grandmother (because he lived with her) that she better check him too because he probably had it. Mikey’s grandmother said, “Black folks don’t get no lice.” My mom said, “Oh,” and “Who woulda thunk?” and “Why not?” Mikey’s grandmother said it was because the lice don’t like the grease black folks use to keep their hair from getting too dried out and nappy.

What a happy by-product no naps and no lice.

Most Indians ain’t got no naps- they have beautiful full straight black hair. Oiled hair.
I didn’t know why they oiled it- but now I get it. It’s the happy by-product they are after.

I wonder if that's why Bible people poured oil on their heads and beards too.