So, I bought this "Swiss exercise ball." I have been skeptical, but I considered the matter further and decided that an exercise program which never actually requires you to stand up can't be all bad. Basically you roll around on the floor with an overgrown kick ball to "gain strength" and "acquire balance." Obviously I have not "acquired" my balance yet, as I kept falling off my ball. That dang little skinny blonde on the video makes it look so easy. "Just lay down on the ball, with your legs scissored out like this, and your arm behind your head and your head on the ball and the ball balanced on an elephant's trunk and the elephant balanced on a sea turtle drifting in the Indian Ocean. Look, it's easy."

I like to imagine that skinny blonde falling off her ball and the turtle nibbling on her ears and the elephant licking her toes, because there's a little wiener dog tormenting me in such a way. So I pause the skinny blonde, shut the dog in the bathroom, sit on the ball and "exhale with my belly button to my back," and restart the video.

(And fall off the ball again.)
But I know if she can do it, I can do it. I will never be a skinny blonde, but I can be an Amazon brunette with the ability to balance on a Swiss exercise ball.