I taught my dog the “speak” command. Now it’s just “bark, bark, bark!” any old time. That lesson was probably not one of my best moves. If I have a treat in my hand, it doesn’t matter what the command is, he’s going to do everything he knows to get it.

He knows, “sit” “down” and now “speak” he instinctively knew “jump.” So we have a routine. I get a milk bone and I say, “what do you do for this cookie?” and he sits (military precision as long as there is a cookie involved.) and I say, “what else?” and he lays down. And I say, “what else?” and he barks and then I hold the cookie up about waist high and he jumps. It usually takes 2 or 3 tries to get it. (he’s very short you see) Sometimes he’s just too excited so I have to say “down! Down! Down dumb dog!”
The other day he was barking his little head off to get some food and I said, “Shut up you tiny beast! You speak when I say “speak” not until then!!” Then I thought, ‘Wow, I say some really strange things to this little being.’ The other day I said, “Hey! Get away from there! You aren’t even allowed to sniff books!” (We’ve had a few incidents) Dare I say it’s like have a tiny disobedient slave to yell at for any given reason?

He doesn’t mean to be bad, the reasons that he is so bad are 1. he doesn’t know English and 2. he doesn’t have any thumbs 3. and he has a brain the size of a pitted prune.

If he knew English he certainly would understand that eating books and yarn is clearly unacceptable in Shannonland, for I have told him many and numerous times. If he had thumbs, he wouldn’t get in so much trouble because assuredly he would find much more suitable ways to pass his time. Instead of digging up house plants and shredding the carpet, he could play video games or write letters to the editor before he peed on the newspaper. If he had thumbs, he could write me a letter and say, “It hurt my feelings when you said you were going to strangle me with my own ears, and that is why, in an act of revenge, I pooed in your closet, twice.” If his brain was larger than a pitted prune, he would remember that I get loud and violent when he does certain things. He would remember before he did them, not when I get home and see what he’s done. If his brain wasn’t so tiny I suspect he wouldn’t try to eat his own poo, he wouldn’t try to molest people’s legs.

In short, life would be far different if Buzz knew English, had thumbs and had the a bigger brain.

Thank you for your attention
Sit!