Not a murder in the night

My youngest came downstairs to get ready for school, and she was covered in blood.  It was wiped across her forehead and cheek, crusted on her nose, and splotched and splattered all down the front of her shirt.  It was all over her hands and under her fingernails.  It seriously looked like there had been a murder in the night.  I said, “What happened?!”

She said, “Nothing, I just got up.”

I said,  “Uh- are you okay?”
She said, “Yeah, why?”

I said, “Well, you’ve got something on your shirt.”

She looked at her shirt and said, “Huh.”

Like waking up covered in blood is totally normal.

I told her to go wash her face and hands.

I said, “Well, let's change you out of that shirt.”  While I got her dressed for school, she had put her “Long Cat” down. Long Cat is a long - well- cat.  It’s about 3 feet long and it is a nice soft fabric and cylindrical pillow form. After she was dressed, I handed Long Cat back, and she noticed that he, too, had blood spots, and she said, “Oh man!  Long Cat has blood on him!” 

Clearly, waking up inexplicably covered in blood oneself is perfectly acceptable, but getting a few spots on Long Cat- NOT OK!

I said, “How do you think you got all this blood on your shirt and Long Cat?”
She said, “I don’t know!” Not at all concerted about the situation, but laser-focused on the fate of Long Cat.

I said, “Well, I think you must have had a bloody nose in the night, so get some tissue and blow to make sure there’s not more up there.”

"But Long Cat!"

"Okay, go put him and your shirt in the laundry; I'll try to get all the blood out."

Adventures with Fart Face

 Here’s a little story from yesterday-

My middle daughter wants a doll called a Fuggler.  It is as ugly as it sounds.  They come in all different designs of ugly- she showed me three designs she would be pleased with.  So- I went fuggler hunting yesterday.  I went to two Five Belows and Walmart. The first Five Below was a bust.  Walmart had some fugglers, but not the exact ones she had pointed out.  I considered it for a while, and since one of them was somewhat similar, and its name was “Fart Face,” I thought maybe this would be a good alternative.  I threw it in the cart. 

The toy section is in the back of the store, so as I walked all the way to the front to check out, I kept hearing some strange noises.  It was pretty consistent and seemingly loud since I could hear it over the music in my earbuds.  I stopped pushing my wonky-wheeled cart to take my earbud out and listen for the strange noise.  It turned out to be a steady stream of fart noises coming from my cart- coming- more specifically from “Fart Face.” 

I didn’t know why Fart Face was farting, but I guessed he was motion-activated and the wonky wheel going round- and bumpity-round was triggering for him.  What could I do, though?  Farters gotta fart. 

So I put my earbuds back in and continued on.  I needed some  milk, so all through the dairy aisle I could tell other people could hear it and were doing their best to NOT LOOK at me.  I wondered if I buried him under my other purchases if it would muffle him- but then I wondered if it would be even worse if they couldn’t see the ugly fart-face doll to know it wasn’t me! 

My face and my butt got tighter and tighter as I made my way to the front of the store, all the time thinking that my crazy kid better appreciate this.  I got to the front and threw that little turd on the belt and said, “This thing has been farting all through the store!”  The cashier looked at it and said, “Oh yeah- Fart Face, that’s a good one.”  

Ugh