The clogs of flatulence

 I bought a pair of gardening clogs some years ago.  

For some reason I’ve always been attracted to red shoes, but I have big feet, so when I put them on I feel like I have clown feet.  Red shoes seem to scream, “Hey! Look at me!  I’m enormous!”

Nevertheless,  I bought this pair of red rubber ‘garden clogs.’ I figured I could get my red shoe fix, but since I would only be wearing them around the house or in the rain it didn’t matter if they were clown shoes.  

I put them on, and they were quite comfy.  Of course if I wear them with socks that is kind of silly because they are intended to get wet.  They are clogs- they won’t really protect my socks.  For the most part I would wear them without socks.  Let’s say I’m wearing my garden clogs in the yard, and using the hose.  Let’s say some water gets on my foot.  No biggie if I’m wearing my red-rubber clogs.  

Here’s the catch- if my red rubber clogs get wet, and I’m not wearing socks- they fart With-EVERY-Step! Not demure little sighing toots, but big juicy-wet poots. (Side note I just looked up synonyms for “fart” and I found “barking spider” and “air biscuit.” I’m not even sure what to do with that information.)

Turns out I can’t deal with the juicy poots my shoes produce, so sadly I put them on the “donate” box.  I put the donate box in my car.  I have been driving around with my donate box for weeks.  This has happened before. I put the box in my car- I drive around with it- I need the space the box is taking up to transport something else- I take the box out and put it in the garage.  I forget about the box.  I find the box again, but now everything in the box needs to be washed.  I wash the contents of the box, then I re-evaluate the ‘to donate’ items.  I put the items back in the box (maybe)- then I put the box back in the car.  Its a cycle.  

Today I walked out of the house and it thundered.  I said to myself, “Self- this if fine.  I don’t need to go back in the house for a jacket, umbrella or a different pair of shoes.  I can make it to work before the rain comes.”  Myself was so wrong.  

Fun Fact:  I HATE wearing wet shoes.  Whenever it rains, I pack an extra pair of shoes,  I wear a pair of shoes I don’t mind getting wet, then change to dry shoes when I get to wherever I’m going.

By the time I got to work there had been multiple ‘severe thunderstorm warnings’ on the radio, it was pouring, and I was unprepared- “Thanks self!”

I got out of the car- I knew immediately I was going to have wet feet all day.  I remembered I had a jacket in the back.  I opened the hatch, put on the jacket and spied my red rubber garden clogs.  “Ah!” I thought to myself, “I don’t have to have wet feet all day!”  

However, I forgot after all these weeks about the juicy poots.

So I put my clown shoes on to walk into work,  (a high school mind you) and over the cacophony of the drumming rain and the booming thunder- I can hear the fast ripping ‘air biscuits’ issuing forth from my feet.  Its too late to turn back now- I’m committed to this journey of steady flatulence, into and all the way through the building.  I raspberry tart my way into the main office to sign in and get my assignment for the day from the assistant principal.

I make wind and part the seas in the hallways toward my room.  I try different steps to silence the the horns, but to no avail.  My feet fly on the wind, or so it seems.  I finally get to my room and immediately change my shoes.  

They really are clown shoes, tooting their horns everywhere they go- “LOOK AT ME! The MOST embarrassing shoes on the planet!”

I hope someone can wear them without the sounds of guttural disturbances following them, for these red shoes go back to the donate box ASAP!